If you already know what you’re in for, if you came to “Abigail” to watch a body count caper featuring plummy character actor performances from That Guys like Kevin Durand and Dan Stevens or another movie where the characters all scramble to be the last one standing against some kind of monster that has a lot more going on than they thought—well, then I guess we can say that this is that.
Out of the cast, Kevin Durand gets the most opportunities to act with his face. He’s also got the most relatable character arc: over-compensating tough guy realizes he’s over-compensating, gets scared.
The rest of their co-stars keep up in less attractive roles. Melissa Barrera does what she can with her thinly drawn anti-heroine team leader. Abigail (Alisha Weir), goes from being just a kid-sized vampire ballerina to star and title character as soon as she starts leering at or stalking anyone. Then there’s some guy named Frank (Dan Stevens), who shows up late with an inexplicable accent and spends several scenes cussing everyone out while mocking them for not knowing that vampires exist.
Mostly, though, people spend time running around each other. Some get picked off along the way.
Once Abigail gets out of her handcuffs, none of these light party game-character traits matter. The house where Abigail’s victims stay has more character, but it’s basically the “Clue” house with some extra goth-y touch-ups. Maybe that’s enough for a game cast to check all the boxes and scramble to figure out how to stop a “real” vampire. Nothing comes to mind worth writing home about.
It’s difficult to become too invested in watching so many talented actors try and fail just barely enough to make you care about their characters (which isn’t the same as making you care), especially when more could have been done with less tedious dialogue. Most of which is here essentially just to hold viewers’ hands as the plot hops from beat to beat. More could have also been done with Joey. Who at one point stuffs a loaded gun into her tight jeans’ waistband. I both do and don’t believe it.
“Abigail” might find its audience through good timing plus wishful thinking; it’s not badly made so much as uninspired and played out. If you enjoy B-movies made with money and are looking specifically for an undemanding time, “Abigail” may be for you. It also may disappoint you — especially if you want more than what’s advertised.
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